Lean In: Make Your Partner a Real Partner

"We are never at fifty-fifty at any given moment—perfect equality is hard to define or sustain—but we allow the pendulum to swing back and forth between us."

—Sheryl Sandberg

The PEW Foundation's report on "Breadwinner Moms" ignited a firestorm in the media and on blogs.

According to the report, "A record 40% of all households with children under the age of 18 include mothers who are either the sole or primary source of income for the family." That figure is up from 11% in 1960.

Of the 40%, roughly a third (37%) are married and out-earning their husbands. Two thirds (63%) are lower income single mothers.

Both groups have come under fire—high-earning wives for outshining their husbands and allegedly abandoning their families and children; single mothers for being mothers in the first place, and the whole lot of them for pursuing a way of life that “could undermine our social order.” In her article, "When a Woman Makes a Lot of Money and Her Husband Doesn't," Mary Kassian castigates the higher-earning wife marriages as the "alpha woman-beta boy relationship model."  (Lobbing that grenade should do wonders for ongoing peace talks intended to end The Mommy Wars.)

I may be wrong, but I suspect Chapter 8: "Make Your Partner a Real Partner" might create a little heat over attitudes towards working mothers and changing roles in marriage.

Here goes ...



Sandberg's Take

By the time the PEW Report was released, Sheryl Sandberg's book, Lean In, was already flying off the shelves. Yet despite the timing of her book, Sandberg anticipates the rise in bread-winning mothers in this chapter and addresses the kinds of practical adjustments couples face in sharing housework and parenting responsibilities when both husband and wife are bringing home the bacon.

This chapter engages today’s reality for families. Couples don’t all following the same road map in the choices they’re making about home, family, and work. Sandberg doesn’t pass judgment or pit one family’s choices against another. It may surprise some that she so strongly defends the contributions of stay-at-home moms, but she does.

"I also feel strongly that when a mother stays at home, her time during the day should still be considered real work—because it is. Raising children is at least as stressful and demanding as a paying job. " (p.118) 

If this chapter should cause anyone to squirm, it is probably husbands and dads. Yet, like Sandberg's husband, more and more men understand they can't have it all. They get the fact that a working wife and mother means figuring out new ways of parenting and sharing domestic responsibilities at home.

As she does in other chapters, Sandberg offers practical suggestions to manage this shift away from the traditional model. She cautions wives to avoid "maternal gatekeeping" (p.108) when husbands start to pitch in around the house. In other words, "let him put the diaper on the baby any way he wants so long as he's doing it himself." (p.109)

She and her husband find it helpful to decide which responsibilities each will take, instead of constantly negotiating tasks. (p.109) They’ve made it a practice to “sit down at the beginning of every week and figure out which one of us will drive our children to school every day,” describing her marriage as “a work in progress.” (p.111).

She argues rather convincingly that, far from taking a toll on children or depriving men of the freedom to kick back and relax when they get home, the partnership models is good for everyone. Kids get plenty of attention from both mom and dad, and dads (many who want this anyway) have greater opportunities and more time to invest themselves in the lives of their children. She even highlights stay-at-home dads (already 4 percent of parents) and the stigma attached to their decision. “Fathers who want to drop out of the workforce entirely and devote themselves to child care can face extremely negative social pressure…. It can be very isolating.” (p.114)

Benefits for working mothers are also significant. 

“For women, earning money increases their decision-making ability in the home, protects them in case of divorce [I would add or the unemployment, disability or premature death of her husband] and can be important security in later years, as women often outlive their husbands.” (p.118) 

The upshot of this chapter?

“As more women lean in to their careers, more men need to lean in to their families. We need to encourage men to be more ambitious in their homes.” (p.120)

My Take

I married a man who, from the age of seven, was raised by a single mom. That proved to be an unexpected blessing since my mother-in-law taught her four sons to pitch in around the house. Anyone who knows the James Gang wouldn't dare call them "beta-boys" or would be sorry if they did.

From day 1 of our marriage, Frank ironed his own shirts and was quick to volunteer for laundry duty. To this day he rarely surrenders his post as dishwasher. During seminary, he even spent a year as a stay-at-home dad and came away from the experience agreeing with Sandberg: “Men who don’t get to do this are missing out!”

We never had that 50/50 conversation.

To be honest, I was relieved when Sandberg tossed the 50/50 idea as a worthy or even an attainable goal. I’ve always thought the 50/50 mentality sets couples up to keep score. The pendulum metaphor—reflected in her statement that “Each of us makes sure that things that need to get done do indeed get done”— seems to be a healthier, more flexible model and frees both husband and wife to do whatever is necessary to get the job done.

Overall, I liked this chapter. If anything, Sandberg is a realist. The world has changed. Women have changed. Our lives have changed. Inevitably, that means other changes will follow. She’s raising the right questions and offering helpful ideas for how to move forward.

Divvying up household chores, juggling parental responsibilities, and making sure we have enough bacon are important practical changes that may foster better teamwork. But they leave us talking logistics and fall short of producing the kind of deeper partnership that can make a marriage thrive.

Sandberg doesn’t take us far enough. But then, she probably never heard of the Blessed Alliance.

As I was thinking about “My Take” on this chapter, I had one of those conversations with Frank that reminds me of what a “real” partnership can be like. He was working on a project and started telling me about it. I was interested and began asking questions that sparked new thinking. It was one of those invigorating iron-sharpening-iron experiences where we enter into what the other other is doing, and something new and better comes from engaging one another.

In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis describes that kind of alliance—a real partnership/a deep friendship—as he lamented the death of his beloved wife Joy.

“For a good wife contains so many persons in herself. What was [she] not to me? She was my daughter and my mother, my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign; and always, holding all these in solution, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress, but at the same time all that any man friend (and I have good ones) has ever been to me. Perhaps more.... Did you ever know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left?” 

So What's Your Take?

What challenges have you faced (or watched other women face) as a breadwinner mom? In your experience, how are working mothers viewed in the church? How can we, as Christians, set a different tone in the career versus stay-at-home mom debate among us? 

And more to the point, how can we make progress towards forging that Blessed Alliance in our marriages no matter where we work?

Lean in with your comments!


Previous Lean In Posts ...

• Introduction: Women, Work and the Church
  
• Chapter 1: The Leadership Ambition Gap
• Chapter 2: Sit at the Table
• Chapter 3: Success and Likeability
• Chapter 4: It's a Jungle Gym, Not a Ladder
• Chapter 5: Are You My Mentor?  
• Chapter 6: Seek and Speak Your Truth 
• Chapter 7: Don't Leave Before You Leave

Other related posts …

• The Female Fear Factor
• So What Happens After You Sit at the Table 
• This Can of Worms Must Be Opened! 

The Perfect Storm

One of the lessons we learned quickly when we moved to Florida was that hurricane warnings are serious and call for decisive action. Recent tornado disasters in the central U.S.A. underscore the fact that storm warnings must be taken seriously.

So whenever Florida officials started sounding the alarm of an approaching hurricane, we stocked up with batteries, flashlights, non-perishable food, bottled water, bathtubs filled with more water, and knew which room in the house was the safest place in which to hunker down.

The year three hurricanes came barreling through Orlando and left a hole in our roof, we spent a few nights sleeping in the closet. I never will forget the sober look on my seven-year-old daughter's face the first time she watched Frank reinforcing the windows.

Hurricanes are scary!

Last week, things got scary again when "This Can of Worms Must be Opened" pried the lid off the spiritual abuse can of worms, and I realized we are looking at the makings of the perfect storm.

Combine individuals possessed of authority and power (who, as we noted last week, are often oblivious to their capacity for spiritual abuse) with individuals spiritually conditioned to submit to authority. Then add devotees/enablers who (out of a misguided sense of loyalty to the person in power and the desire to curry their favor) turn a blind eye to abusive behavior and may even defend it. Suddenly you have ideal conditions for spiritual abuse to bluster up and thrive unchecked.

It is the perfect storm.

The discussion of spiritual abuse isn’t academic for me. It bears the faces of women I know—many are close friends of mine. Trust me, I’m not eager to hear more stories of wounds and injuries and women fleeing the church with no intention of returning—not if I or we together can do something to stop it.

Spiritual abuse is no laughing matter. Like an infection, it has a way of spreading. It is a card-carrying member of a collection of appalling abuses (emotional, verbal, sexual, physical, domestic, the list goes on) that inflict catastrophic damage on human lives and communities. Tragically, one form of abuse can escalate to another and, if allowed to persist, can inadvertently give permission for others to abuse.

None of these abuses have any place among the people of God, although to our shame all of them are present among us in shocking numbers. They must be rooted out, and we cannot rely on others to step up to do the uprooting.

Abuse is a denial of the gospel—which calls us, not to maintain power and control over others, but to use whatever God-given powers we possess to bless and promote the flourishing of others.  

Abuse is the antithesis of what it means to follow Jesus—who emptied himself for the sake of others when he could have commanded legions of angels to destroy his enemies. Instead, he died for us.

Abuse is an overt rejection of God’s vision for his image bearers—it works against the forging of men and women into the Blessed Alliance God commissioned to look after things in this world on his behalf.

I am profoundly heartened by the growing numbers of resources and counseling experts addressing this crisis by helping us detect, intervene, and recover both the perpetrators and sufferers of spiritual abuse. Last week’s blog and comments included links to numerous helpful resources and the fact that significant progress is being made.

But I want to do more. No one facing a storm like this should be content with merely dealing with the damage after the fact. We need to be asking what we can do up front to see that abuse doesn't happen. The problem of spiritual abuse is complex, I know. Abuses can be perceived but not real, real but unintentional, and deliberate and cruelly sinister. What I’m interested in pursuing now is what we can do to prevent it.

I realize spiritual abuse occurs in all kinds of settings and relationships and that both men and women are found among the abusers and among the abused. I want to narrow this discussion to spiritual abuse among Christians in leadership, particularly as men in spiritual leadership abuse women. That’s the main scenario I’m seeing. I suspect whatever gets said will be helpful in addressing other scenarios.

So I'm planing at least six more posts to continue this conversation with the goal of trying to figure out what we can do to stop the abuse from happening in the first place. Dr. Phil Monroe has again agreed to participate.

Here are the topics, along with questions I'm asking to move us forward to preventive action: 

1. The Abuser: Who are spiritual abusers? Why are they often unaware that their actions are abusive? How can we raise awareness up front to guard ourselves and others from committing abusive actions—intended or not? 


2. The Triggers: What prompts spiritual abuse? What are the typical triggers? What power structures allow for spiritual abuse? 


3. The Abused: What makes a person vulnerable to a spiritual abuser? Why are they unaware (at least at first) that the behavior they’re encountering is spiritual abusive? Why aren't they equipped to stand their ground when it starts? What can we do to prepare women and girls to detect it, to stop thinking someone else will rescue them, and to stop the abuse themselves before it starts? 


4. The Underlying Belief System: This one takes us deeper—to the heart of the problem and will be harder for some to consider. But I’m asking you bravely to engage this question: What biblical interpretations have we embraced about leaders and subordinates, about men and women that fuel this crisis, and are we willing to reexamine our own beliefs?


5. The Enablers: What behaviors enable spiritual abuse? What prompts people to enable spiritual abuse by ignoring it? Why does loyalty to Christian leaders trump the needs of those who are abused? How do we love the abuser enough to have that awkward but honest conversation? How do we love the church enough to get in the way of abuse and become part of the healing process? 


6. Moving Toward Prevention:What can we do proactively to stop abuse before it starts? When difficulties, changes, conflicts, and personality clashes arise, how can leaders address and manage them in healthy, constructive ways? What should we say about biblical teaching on authority and submission? What can we do to ensure our place of work is a safe place for everyone? What safeguards can we put in place to embolden people loyal to an abuser (or to an alleged abuser) to be enough of a friend to confront them? What have others done to pre-empt spiritual abuse in their churches or Christian organizations? What concrete initiatives can we launch to prevent this problem from happening within our ranks?

All of this is just talk if it doesn’t lead to concrete action. The Body of Christ is meant to be a sanctuary from harm, not a site where harm occurs with impunity. We can’t just open that can of worms, observe the problem and walk away.

I want to incorporate questions you may have. If you could sit down with Dr. Monroe, what would you ask him?

Previous post on Spiritual Abuse: 

• "This Can of Worms Must be Opened"

Young Ezers Rising

"A girl is not defined by what her society sees.
A girl is defined by what she sees inside herself."

                                             —Girl Rising

How I wish it were that simple.

But the simple fact is a girl (at least most of them) internalizes messages from her society, her culture, her community, and the people who loom largest in her life.

Those messages can be crushing.

Count me in when it comes to championing change in how young girls see themselves and in combating injustices that target girls and opening doors of education and opportunity for them. As followers of Jesus, Christians belong on the forefront in this devastating crisis. But the roots of the problem run deeper and saturate our own culture where doors are already open to girls. Yet they're being bombarded—both outside and inside the church—with messages that lower their aspirations and shrink their horizons.

Questions I've been raising in my books are central to this issue.

Does the Bible have a message for women and girls today that undermines the negative and dumbing down messages they're hearing? Does the Bible speak into our lives with a vision of hope and purpose that secures our value and empowers and calls us to live fully and freely for God, no matter what our history or our circumstances? Does that message only work where there is prosperity and wide open doors of opportunity, or does it speak with potency and redemption into the darkest corners of female existence?

We have that message.

It anchors a girl's identity and purpose in her Creator who made her in his image, to know and reflect him and to live for his purposes. It tells her she is so profoundly valued and loved that Jesus died to rescue and reunite her with the God who made her. God calls his daughters ezers—a strong military name that applies to God himself as the strong helper of his people. It means, as I've said before, that the world is recklessly self-destructing when it muzzles, minimizes, or destroys the lives of girls. According to God's vision, the true flourishing of ezers is not only good for women and girls, it is necessary for the flourishing of men and boys and for the good of God's world too. The stakes are frighteningly high.

(If you don't know what an ezer is, The Return of the Ezer will fill you in. If that whets your appetite to read more, there's more in Half the Church: Recapturing God's Global Vision for Women.)

I hear regularly from adult women who tell me it has changed their lives to learn that God created them to be ezer-warriors for his Kingdom. There is growing interest (as well as a sense of urgency) in passing that message on to the rising generation of young ezers. Who of us doesn't wish we'd been given that vision when we were just starting out?

Lately, that has been happening.

Here are two stories I received on the same day from two of my friends, Vivian Mabuni (Southern California) and Donna Tan (Philippines) who are carrying that message forward into precious young lives. That was a banner day for me! They've graciously given their permission for me to reprint their stories here.

---

Vivian Mabuni

"I was prepping a lesson for "Secret Keeper Girls" (a Bible study for tween girls some of the mom's and daughters decided to do at our Asian church) and the lesson about not being boy crazy so you can save it all for your husband one day just didn't sit well with me. I talked w/Darrin [her husband] about it and he said, 'Why don't you teach the girls the same stuff you've been teaching the college women? Lots of them have shared they wished they knew earlier.' So I taught about image bearer, ezer and Blessed Alliance to a group of 11 year olds and their moms last night. Julia [Viv's daughter] shared she noticed all of the girls were really paying attention. Being an ezer empowers and inspires. I had great conversations w/the mom's afterwards. I'm excited for this next generation to have this message as a foundation rather than the wait around until you get married and have kids message. Your leadership, example and influence continues to bless countless people, Carolyn.

Also, I included Lost Women of the Bible in a stack of suggested books for my son who returned from his first year of college."

---

Donna Tan

"I just wanted to share with you about a talk I had with 20 young ladies ages 13-24 two weekends ago. I gave a talk about my own journey toward discovering my ezer calling, and shared with them how they can already be active participants in God's kingdom, now. You know, as I gradually unveiled the meaning of helpmeet, of ezer, and that they can actually already be one at that moment, I saw how their eyes brightened in excitement at this new-found discovery! One young lady, I believe is 16, told me how she can't wait to get into action. A week later, one of girls approached me and shared about how she had fallen into immorality with her boyfriend just a few months ago. They are not seeing each other anymore because their respective parents have disallowed it. When she heard me share, she was enlightened and she felt her spirit was revived upon realizing that she was not made to simply be someone's partner. That she was made first to be an image-bearer, and to reproduce more image-bearers! Then went on to say "how can I reproduce girls in the image of God when I, myself, am a broken image bearer. But when she heard the talk, she saw hope for her broken self. Pray for these girls, as they ponder upon God's calling for them. 

I am giving the same talk on July 7, this time to our church's women's group - around 50 women, age range from 36-65+. I am already excited about it and can't wait to see what God will do. Please say a prayer for me in this, when you can."

---

Girl Rising is a huge step in the right direction. And the stories presented here will both trouble, teach, and inspire us. But that message doesn't go nearly far enough. A girl's value and the horrors of appalling waste of potential and the evil of the unspeakable suffering, abuse, and injustices she suffers are not measured by or based on the moral outrage of other human beings, no matter how fundamental that outrage is to what it means for us to be fully human. And as important as a girl's gifts and dreams are, no girl is an end in herself. 

She is created for more. Girls speaking out in Girl Rising know that in their bones.

The ezer message ties her value, her purpose, and the enormity of the injustices perpetrated against her to a higher authority—to the God who made her and calls her ezer. That intensifies everything. It embeds her story in God's Story, lifting the discussion of girls to a cosmic level and revealing just how high the stakes are in this vital issue.

This Sunday, June 16, CNN is broadcasting Girl Rising at 9:00 pm/ET. I've missed this every time there's been a showing in the North Shore. This time I'm planning to watch at home and (just in case) am also recording it. 

Watch the trailer below. Then let's talk about how we can help young ezers rise! 

When Life & Beliefs Colide

Here's one of those positive emails that just arrived and makes me smile. It was written by a reader to a friend who shipped it to me.

"Have you ever read the book When Life and Beliefs Collide by Carolyn James? It was my salvation, in some ways, when my world was turned upside down a few years back. Anyway, I am so helped by looking through it and seeing the different things I underlined and wrote in the margins. Basically what she is saying is that when everything is looking grim and messed up around you, all that you have to cling to is the character of God and so you need to know His character. The battles will come, the hurt will come, the questions will come, but He never changes. So glad we have that to hang onto! The book has really made me think about and consider more what God’s character is and how I need to trust Him more because of it....."

Lean In: Don't Leave Before You Leave

"...when it comes to integrating career and family, planning too far in advance can close doors rather than open them. ... Of all the ways women hold themselves back, perhaps the most pervasive is that they leave before they leave."

—Sheryl Sandberg

With all the traveling I do, I've heard more than my share of flight attendants instructing me to locate the exit nearest me . . . just in case.

But when it comes to jobs and careers, keeping an eye on the exit isn't always the best advice. In fact it’s terribly short-sighted.

That's what Sheryl Sandberg asserts in Chapter 7 of Lean In—"Don't Leave Before You Leave."


Sandberg's Take

As an employer, Sandberg often encounters talented young women who are reluctant to tackle new projects or accept a promotion for which they are qualified. Probing further she’s discovered their reluctance is sometimes based on the well-known dilemma women face between career and personal/family goals.

"From an early age, girls get the message that they will have to choose between succeeding at work and being a good mother. By the time they are in college, women are already thinking about the trade-offs they will make between professional and personal goals. When asked to choose between marriage and career, female college students are twice as likely to choose marriage as their male classmates." (p.92) 

Sandberg appreciates firsthand how demanding a career can be and the significant commitment that comes with a family. And she is adamant in her support of women who, when the time comes, choose to be stay-at-home moms. She’s made that choice herself. What surprises her is how some women opt to scale back their career goals and turn down opportunities to advance before they are married or before her first child arrives.

She urges women to rethink this approach.

“What I am arguing is that the time to scale back is when a break is needed or when a child arrives—not before, and certainly not years in advance. The months and years leading up to having children are not the time to lean back, but the critical time to lean in." (p.95) 

On the upside, she believes a woman has better choices if she moves forward in her career before family responsibilities kick in. Doing that increases the likelihood that her job will become more fulfilling, which helps if she continues working (with or without children) and, if she chooses to stay-at-home, makes returning to work afterwards more appealing. Advancing also means higher pay and sometimes greater flexibility that facilitate her choice to be with her children.

On the downside, scaling back is self-defeating since it means a woman will inevitably fall behind her colleagues and “end up in a job that is less fulfilling and less engaging.“ (p.94) Taking time off, sets her back even more and lowers both the level of her job, and (according to studies) her annual earnings will decline on average 20 percent if she’s off for one year and 30 percent if she off-ramps for two to three years. (p.102)

“Anyone lucky enough to have options should keep them open. Don’t enter the workforce already looking for the exit. Don’t put on the brakes. Accelerate. Keep a foot on the gas pedal until a decision must be made. That’s the only way to ensure that when that day comes, there will be a real decision to make. “ (p.103)

My Take

There seems to be something in every chapter that strikes a chord with me. This chapter was no exception. I agree with the challenge Sandberg is raising, but for different reasons. Still, I wish I had encountered someone like the straight-talking Sheryl Sandberg when I was in my twenties. I needed to hear someone urge me to put my foot on the gas pedal and accelerate.

Instead, I entered the workplace post-college as a single with the belief that I’d find God’s purpose for me as a woman in marriage and motherhood. Which meant my time in the workplace was temporary, second best, and not my true calling. I still worked hard; still cared about my performance. But it was a short-term inconvenience, and my heart wasn’t in it.

In the early years of marriage, I applied for a job as an executive secretary to a hospital administrator “to support Frank’s seminary education.” I figured that would take three years max. (I wasn’t counting on two doctorates.) I made the mistake of mentioning my three-year plan to my prospective boss—something I lived to regret. I had just announced that I had no intention of advancing and excluded myself from ever being considered for another position.

My eye was already on the exit door.

Frank was entering doctoral studies when I passed the three-year mark. It was a spiritual crisis for me—one of those When Life and Beliefs Collide moments in my story. Frank and I had some good but stretching conversations that exploded my preconceptions about marriage roles. Little did I know that the great adventure had begun, and it was not what I expected. I had to come to terms with what God was doing in my life and wrestle with the meaning of my work.

That was when everything changed for me and work became more than a temporary excursion into the workplace to make ends meet. My job became a calling. It was another way for me to honor God with the gifts he had given me. My work at the hospital suddenly had new meaning—it had cosmic significance. No one knows what the future will bring, so as one who bears the image of God, I came to realize that I am to give my all here and now, no matter where I happen to be, to the glory of God.

Little did I know how strategic that crisis would be—both for my marriage as well as for my calling. It forged a deeper partnership between Frank and me where we were in this adventure together and from then on would each do whatever it took to embrace whatever challenges God put in our path. God also used it to prepare me for the next phase of my life when I would take on even greater responsibility to support our family during our four year stay in Oxford during Frank’s D.Phil. studies.

The change in my outlook motivated me to return to my job at the hospital with the conviction that this was my calling. That led me to begin actively looking for opportunities to do more, which over time drew my attention to a different door that ultimately led to my career as a software developer.

I agree with Sandberg. Holding back in the workplace is a short-sighted game plan. But for me it was also presumptuous—a refusal to embrace the way God was leading in my life instead of trusting him and engaging as a calling whatever he placed in front of me.

There are a lot of exit doors in life. Sometimes we should make a graceful exit and sometimes we need to dig in, embrace the situation, and give it all we’ve got. It will take God’s wisdom to know which path to take and when to take it. Obviously, the principles here are much bigger than simply whether or not to get serious about a career. In the final analysis, this is about our relationship with God and actively trusting him in each particular circumstance.

As a Christian the problem with “leaving before you leave” (no matter what hoped-for event or change in circumstances it’s based on) is that we can’t control the future. Full-throttled living in the present is not just wise living, it is a fundamental act of faith in God—the belief that his purposes for me are bound up in where he has me now.


So What's Your Take?

What exit door are you eying? Do you agree with Sandberg's advice? Why or why not? How have you handled the challenges of professional and personal priorities?

How can we, as Christians, set a different tone in the career versus stay-at-home mom debate among us?

Lean in with your comments!


Previous Lean In Posts ...

• Introduction: Women, Work and the Church
  
• Chapter 1: The Leadership Ambition Gap
• Chapter 2: Sit at the Table
• Chapter 3: Success and Likeability
• Chapter 4: It's a Jungle Gym, Not a Ladder
• Chapter 5: Are You My Mentor?  
• Chapter 6: Seek and Speak Your Truth

Other related posts …

• The Female Fear Factor
• So What Happens After You Sit at the Table 
• This Can of Worms Must Be Opened! 

This Can of Worms Must be Opened!

Last week's Lean In post, "Seek and Speak Your Truth," raised the subject of spiritual abuse on leadership teams in churches and Christian organizations.

When spiritual abuse happens, the kind of open honest communication Sheryl Sandberg advocates becomes risky or, even worse—impossible.

Women who have been subjected to spiritual abuse know this consequence is just the tip of the iceberg of the damage that occurs when Christian leaders abuse their powers and privilege (sometimes from the pulpit) to intimidate, manipulate, and bully others. When this happens publicly and goes unchecked, it gives implicit permission for the same kind of behavior to go on behind closed doors and in private homes.

Like an IED (Improvised Explosive Device), spiritual abuse does damage in all directions. The perpetrator gets away with practicing soul-destroying conduct that is antithetical to what it means to be a Christian and that inevitably undermines their own ministry. Likewise, the wounds inflicted by spiritual abuse are deep and hard to heal. The toll this takes on the abused person can be spiritually and emotionally devastating and, in some cases, lasts a lifetime. 

We get all worked up (as well we should) about bullying that takes place among school children. But are we as outraged about the bullying that is inflicted under the guise of spirituality by Christian leaders within our ranks? 

In last week's post, I labeled this as a can of worms that needs to be opened. Women are frequent targets of spiritual abuse. Sadly, this is not a female-only issue. Children and men also suffer spiritual abuse. Yet if we don't speak up, we become part of a problem that has no place in any community that professes to follow Jesus.

The seriousness of the problem cannot be overstated.

Case in point is the response of Christian leaders to the current scandal involving Sovereign Grace Ministries and a lawsuit accusing C.J. Mahaney and others in his ministry of covering up the sexual abuse of children. When the judge "dismissed the lawsuit ruling that nine of 11 plaintiffs waited too long to sue under the statute of limitations," colleagues of Mahaney's at  The Gospel Coalition and Together for the Gospel "broke their silence" and spoke out in defense of their friend.

This understandably created a blogosphere uproar, including a withering critique from attorney Boz Tchividjian, Where Are The Voices? The Continuing Culture of Silence and Protection in American Evangelicalism.

Huffington Post carried the story here.

No one is questioning the importance of steadfast friendship. A friend should be first in line to come alongside someone who's in trouble—not blindly to defend, but with love and honesty to challenge and call their friend to respond with truth and integrity. In the case of Mahaney's friends, one hopes that's exactly what happened.

But actions speak louder than words. And the actions of Mahaney's friends have been loud and sent a dangerous message to their constituency. By continuing to give Mahaney a public platform at their conferences and featuring him on their websites instead of asking him to maintain a low profile while the lawsuit was underway, they missed a huge opportunity to demonstrate how seriously they take abuse of any kind, whether their friend is innocent or not. As a result they failed their friend and the Christian community as well.

In the few days between last week's post and this one, I've heard more disturbing stories about spiritual abuse in the workplace. There's even an example in last week's comments of a woman pastor who spoke up when she was bullied by a fellow male staff member. Instead of confronting the question of bullying, another male staff member warned her not to "allow Satan to get a foothold"—thus multiplying the spiritual abuse.

The reprimand hit its mark. She was silenced, and the bully was protected.

Some of the patterns I'm observing are:

• Exploitation of the power disparity between the abuser and the abused
• The use of scripture or spiritual platitudes to manipulate, control, silence, and shame
• Demanding unquestioned loyalty
• Misperceptions of female submission and godliness exacerbate the problem 
• Dismissal of legitimate concerns
• Blaming the abused for what someone else (often the abuser) has done
• An environment where simply speaking up or voicing a point of disagreement causes disapproval and possible dismissal
• The impact of abuse intensifies if a person has experienced abuse in the past

Two things surprise me.

First, it is often the case that neither the abuser nor the abused fully realize "spiritual abuse" is happening. This is why it is important for us to keep putting this subject under the spotlight—for the sake of both parties.

Second, that spiritual abuse happens in both complementarian and egalitarian contexts. In fact, two of the situations I heard about this week were happening to ordained women serving on the pastoral teams of churches.

Since I'm not an expert on the subject, I turned to psychologist Dr. Phil Monroe, Professor of Counseling and Psychology and Director of the Global Trauma Recovery Institute at Biblical Theological Seminary in Pennsylvania. (My husband Frank becomes Biblical's fourth president on July 1.)

Dr. Monroe was a contributor to Rachel Held Evans' series on abuse with his post, "Proper Treatment for Sexual Abuse: 7 Questions to Consider."

His website (http://wisecounsel.wordpress.com/) is a valuable resource worth exploring.

On short notice and with a busy schedule, Dr. Monroe graciously wrote a post on the subject:

"Spiritual Abuse: What It Is and Why It Hurts." 

In it he offers this definition:

"Spiritual abuse is the use of faith, belief, and/or religious practices to coerce, control, or damage another for a purpose beyond the victim’s well-being." 

He also references an article by Mary DeMuth, another expert on the subject of abuse.

---

What can we do to address spiritual abuse by Christians in the workplace and in other contexts? What can we do to prevent and also detect spiritual abuse in churches, Christian organizations, and in homes? Have you seen (or experienced) situations where this kind of abuse has been addressed in healthy, redemptive ways? If yes, how? and if no, why?

If you have other resources you'd recommend, please feel free to post them here. And if your comments contain questions for Dr. Monroe or Mary, I'll make sure they see them.

Lean In: Seek & Speak Your Truth

"Authentic communication is not always easy, but it is the basis for successful relationships at home and real effectiveness at work." 

—Sheryl Sandberg

Some Lean In blog followers are telling me that they're "behind in their reading.” Others that they don’t even have the book.

So let me just clarify: this is a blog, not a school. You can read at your leisure and are welcome to revisit previous posts and add your comments whenever you like.

In fact, I'd encourage you to do just that. Every chapter topic so far has been thought provoking, and the comments thoughtful and illuminating. You're welcome to join in any time ... even if you haven't read the book at all.

So on to Chapter 6: "Seek and Speak Your Truth."


Sandberg's Take

Sandberg approaches this subject from two different angles: first, how we offer honest/constructive feedback to others in the workplace and second, how we seek and hear honest feedback about ourselves. The goal is to overcome barriers and fears that prevent the kind of healthy interaction that helps everyone improve and is good for the organization.

This chapter is full of remarkably candid disclosures of places where she's blown it and lessons she's learned in striving for the kind of "delicately honest" communication she believes are necessary for a healthy workplace.

Family and cultural conditioning work against the kind of authentic communication necessary for a healthy workplace.

"As kids grow up, we teach them to be polite, watch what they say, not hurt others' feelings.... But as we learn to speak appropriately, we lose something in authenticity.... people constantly back away from honesty to protect themselves and others." (p.77)

Once again fear can get in the way—mainly of being misperceived, but also of drawing disapproval and/or fire from others—"a fear brought to us by that same voice in the back of our heads that urges us not to sit at the table." (p.78)

She offers practical suggestions about how to engage another person about an uncomfortable issue in a way that "sparks a discussion" instead of wounding or triggering a disagreement. (p.79)

Sandberg requested weekly feedback from her boss, Mark Zuckerberg, which he asked to be reciprocal. (p.84) Eventually those weekly conversations became unnecessary as this kind of healthy interaction became a natural part of their working relationship. She let employees know she wanted their input and made a practice of speaking openly about her own weaknesses, thanking people publicly for their honesty, and maintaining a sense of humor "to foster authentic communication" (p.85-86).

Of course there are times when words do hurt. "Most women believe—and research suggests—that it is not a good idea to cry at work." (p.88) But she cites examples of moments where tears brought out the caring side of male colleagues—even a hug from Zuckerberg.

"Not every workplace and every colleague will be as generous and caring. But I do think we are moving toward at least blurring the line between personal and professional ...This shift is good news for women, who often feel obliged to suppress their emotions in the workplace in an attempt to come across as more stereotypically male. And it's also good news for men, who may be doing the exact same thing." (p.90-91)

My Take

While I agree with the need to develop a working environment where there is open, honest conversation and everyone gets heard, that wasn’t where I thought Sandberg was taking us. The title “Seek and Speak Your Truth” sounded like a discussion about "What happens after you sit at the table?"

So I’d like to add three more issues to this discussion.

First, not every boss takes Sandberg’s approach. Not every workplace is conducive to the kind of healthy discussion she’s advocating, which presents new challenges.

In a short-lived job I had in my twenties, I was unnerved when my boss (a Christian man) subjected me to verbal and emotional abuse. My conservative church background and its accompanying view of female submissiveness didn’t prepare me to deal with abuse. Christian men I turned to for advice considered confronting him on my behalf, but no one suggested I should confront him myself and leave if he didn’t stop.

I still wish I’d spoken a little truth into his life!

Abuse happens—both in the secular and sadly also in the Christian workplace. Not every boss is open to healthy feedback. In the past few months I’ve worked with at least five women dealing with Christian bosses—both complementarian and egalitarian men—who are spiritually abusive.

We need to open that whole can of worms.

Second, Sandberg’s comment regarding banning tears from the workplace “in an attempt to come across as more stereotypically male” relates to a whole lot more than tears. Beginning back in the 60’s when the current surge of women into the workplace was starting, conventional wisdom (which on this point is happily in decline today) meant that for a woman to succeed she needed to adapt herself to the existing male culture—to think, talk, and do business “like a man.”

It is the perfect way for a woman to lose herself and simultaneously deprive others of the true benefits she brings to the table.

To “seek and speak your truth” means bringing one’s authentic, and yes female, point of view to the table—not with an “I have my rights and I will be heard” attitude, and I certainly don’t mean being “girly.” Nor does it mean refusing to understand the men around the table and how they think. At the very least, it means approaching work with a sense of confidence that what you bring as a person is unique and needed. It means finding your authentic voice and speaking honestly from your unique perspective and experience.

Third, as Christians, our interactions with others in both Christian and secular work environments always confront us with the deeper, more difficult challenge of living out the gospel in our regard for and relationships with others. This doesn’t mean we can’t be honest or raise uncomfortable issues that may be hard for others to accept. It doesn’t mean we can’t make tough decisions or even fire an employee when necessary. It does mean Jesus is our role model in the workplace, and so our actions and interactions are to be tempered with grace and concern for the good of others.

Easier said than done, I know. It’s a messy, complicated world, my friends.


So What's Your Take?

What about that can of worms? How do we detect and address abuse in the workplace? This blog has readers who are in abusive situations, so this is an opportunity for us to let them know they're not alone and discuss ways to deal with these destructive situations—input I wish I'd had when I was facing abuse.

How can we do a better job of finding and owning our voices? And what are the unique challenges we face as Christians in seeking and speaking our truth in workplace relationships?

Lean in with your comments!


Previous Lean In Posts ...

• Introduction: Women, Work and the Church
  
• Chapter 1: The Leadership Ambition Gap
• Chapter 2: Sit at the Table
• Chapter 3: Success and Likeability
• Chapter 4: It's a Jungle Gym, Not a Ladder
• Chapter 5: Are You My Mentor? 

Other related posts …

• The Female Fear Factor
• So What Happens After You Sit at the Table 

The Ezer-Warrior Message Will Preach!

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Unexpected encouragement coming from Pastor David Swanson of First Presbyterian Church in Orlando, Florida who on Sunday delivered a fiery sermon on the ezer-warrior and quoted from Half the Church. He's already experiencing this message firsthand in the strong Blessed Alliance he shares with his wife Leigh Bywaters Swanson, Associate Dean of Students at RTS/Orlando.

It's no small thing for a pastor of David's stature to embrace and proclaim this message!

Ezers Who Share My Birthday

As a child, I always felt my birthday was extra special because May 30th was Memorial Day. My father used to tell me all America celebrated the day of my birth and that was why everyone was flying the American flag.

That made me stand a little taller. 

All that changed one dark day in 1968 when Congress acted to move Memorial Day to the last Monday in May. From then on, only on that rare occasion when May 30th falls on a Monday do American flags wave around the country on my birthday.

I haven’t been a fan of Congress ever since.

That loss was completely overcome when my niece Lara Custis (now Durrell) made her entrance into the world on my birthday. Lara is an award winning teacher and an amazing ezer who battles for elementary school kids with a specialty in how kids learn. Her gifts have made a huge difference for a lot of kids who often get lost in the school system, and she wins their hearts in the process. Last year she was awarded "Teacher of the Year" at both her school and her district. In August 2012 she became first-ezer to David Durrell, who knows he is blessed to be doing life with her. 

Then this year on my birthday Facebook delivered more good news when Al Hsu, Senior Editor at InterVarsity Press, sent birthday greetings, then added,

"Today is the feast day of St. Joan of Arc (1412-1431), the Maid of Orleans, peasant, visionary, military leader, French folk heroine and martyr. At her trial, when asked if she knew she was in God's grace, she answered: 'If I am not, may God put me there; and if I am, may God so keep me.' She is the patron saint of soldiers and of France."

Whoa! May 30th is the Feast Day of St. Joan of Arc? That was an unexpected birthday surprise!

Her story is one of the most heroic and tragic of ezer stories. St. Joan of Arc (not to be confused with Noah's wife) began having visions at the age of 12. In her visions she heard God's call to lead in battle. At the age of 17, her presence boosted soldier moral as she led the French army in several significant victories during the Hundred Years' War paving the way for the crowning of Charles VII of France.

Things took a terrible turn when, at 19, she ended up in the hands of the English, who tried her for heresy. The trial is an appalling example of injustice at work. All sorts of legal violations and irregularities took place. Politics were involved that made her little more than a means to greater political ends that targeted Charles VII's legitimacy as France's king. Charges against her included witchcraft and (brace yourself for this one) the fact that she wore men's clothing—first as a disguise in battle, and second to protect herself against rape when she was held in an all-male prison. The court held her in violation of a biblical clothing law.

The tragic downside of St. Joan of Arc's story is the fact that she was convicted and burned at the stake on May 30, 1431. Twenty-five years later, Pope Callixtus III authorized a review of her case that resulted in an astonishing reversal—she was pronounced both innocent and a martyr.

In 1909, the Catholic Church beatified her and established May 30 as the Feast Day of St. Joan of Arc. In May 1920, Pope Benedict XV canonized her. It is good that justice prevailed and she was finally vindicated. But that is little comfort considering the injustice and horrors she suffered.

There is so much to unpack in her story. I thought about her all day.

The courage of a young teenage ezer following God's call into the danger zone has plenty of biblical precedent. Esther and Mary of Nazareth come to mind. St. Joan's story ought to give us pause about ever having low expectations of what God might do through young ezers today. She also raises the bar for those of us who are past those teenage years.

The king and the soldiers she led into battle surely learned to put the words "woman" and "leadership" in the same sentence, no doubt with a significant measure of awe and gratitude. She certainly made a difference for them, and it cost St. Joan her life. 

Next to the appalling injustice of St. Joan's death, the most disturbing aspect of her story is the glimpse it gives of the dark side of church history. (My church historian husband has told me plenty more of these stories.) Her death at the hands of religious leaders is a sober reminder that battles we're fighting today—against injustice, corruption, abuse of power, and misogyny—are not new and are tragically not confined to the world beyond church walls, as we have fresh reminders.

Perhaps the Feast of Joan of Arc is a fitting annual reminder of the need, as one birthday well wisher said, to "Ezer on!" in the battles before us.

So, for the record, I've made my peace with the fact that I can't count on Old Glory waving on my birthday. Sharing my birthday with Lara trumps any number of waving flags. And frankly I can’t think of a better more appropriate holiday for an ezer's birthday celebration than on the Feast Day of St. Joan of Arc.


For more about the ezer:  The Return of the Ezer

Lean In: Are You My Mentor?

"... searching for a mentor has become the professional equivalent of waiting for Prince Charming. ... young women are told that if they can just find the right mentor, they will be pushed up the ladder and whisked away to the corner office to live happily ever after." 

—Sheryl Sandberg

Phyllis Thompson's comment on last week's Jungle Gym chapter from Lean In is priceless and a great bridge to this week's discussion on mentors since she's on my shortlist of wise people I turn to for advice. (If you’ve missed previous chapters, the links are below.)

"Are You My Mentor" focuses on the indispensable help others provide as we move forward in our careers and also how we pay it forward by coming alongside others. 


Sandberg's Take

Sandberg begins by puncturing false (and forced) ideas of what mentoring is all about. As someone highly qualified to mentor women in the corporate world, she finds it awkward and off-putting when a woman approaches her out of the blue and asks her to be her mentor—hence the chapter title, "Are you my mentor?"

"If someone has to ask the question, the answer is probably no. When someone finds the right mentor, it is obvious ... Chasing or forcing that connection rarely works. ... The strongest relationships spring out of a real and often earned connection felt by both sides." (pp.64, 67)

She makes the interesting observation that women often fail to recognize when they're being mentored because the relationship doesn't come with the official "mentor" label. A woman she personally mentored and advised on major decisions for years illustrates the point and serves to challenge us to think more organically and less in terms of a formula.

"I never used the word "mentor," but I invested a lot of time in her development. So I was surprised one day when she stated flatly that she had 'never had a mentor or anyone really looking out' for her. I asked what a mentor meant to her. She explained that it would be someone she spoke to for at least an hour every week. I smiled, thinking, That's not a mentor—that's a therapist." (pp.70-71)

Since there are fewer potential women mentors at the top, she doesn't limit mentors to other women but also includes men. Sandberg herself acknowledges benefiting from more male mentors than female.

Having said that, she raises the "tricky issues" that include "the perceived sexual context of male-female relationships." She cites a Harvard Business Review report indicating "64 percent of men at the level of vice president and above are hesitant to have a one-on-one meeting with a more junior woman" with a corresponding avoidance of senior men among junior women (p.72)—a problem Sandberg insists must be overcome, as it holds women back and impedes progress for the organization.

She also encourages readers to think in wider circles for mentoring—not just formal mentoring programs, but opportunities to learn from peers, as well as from those who are junior to you—and admits to being surprised at how and when a mentoring relationship may show up.


My Take

I loved Sandberg's open/organic approach to mentoring. Programmed, formulaic approaches limit our options. Mentoring I've received and given has most often been serendipitous and spontaneous. It can be a single encounter or morph over time into a significant friendship.

When I've been in situations where I didn't know a soul who understood the work I was doing (as when I moved into the world of computers and software development), I've found "mentors" in professional organizations and conferences where the "experts" introduced me to new ideas, taught me the skills I needed, and provided resources where I could go if I got stuck. Most if not all of my professional mentors in the world of technology were men who gave no indication of being Christians. They were just great friends who knew the business and cared about me and my work. The Internet expands these possibilities.

I've also been blessed with a line-up of Christian mentors who have taken turns to coach, encourage, and challenge me. Similar to Sandberg's experience, most of my mentors have been men—the kind of men who genuinely live out the gospel and are not threatened by “girl” friends. Some of them are even complementarians (although very soft complementarians to be sure).

Frank was my first "mentor," although to be honest, I think he owed me that much since he was the one who pushed me through whatever door of opportunity opened and even some doors that didn't open without some effort. He has always been the first to tell me "You can do it!" and backed his words by being a sounding board for me.

I have to acknowledge Stan Gundry, Zondervan Editor-in-Chief, as a mentor who coached me into my first publishing opportunity and over a number of hurdles that were new to me, but familiar to him. Then there was George Bingham, COO at KeyLife (Steve Brown’s radio ministry), who was interested in what I was doing with WhitbyForum and Synergy and, when he couldn't meet me in person, was only a phone call away with wise business advice I couldn't have done without. Bobb Biehl gave me important strategies for my ministry and writing. Dr. Pamela Reeve (now in her mid-nineties) blazed the trail I'm on and is always ready with advice and encouragement for a path that isn't always easy. And of course I love brainstorming with Phyllis Thompson, a savvy business consultant and smart thinker.

Some of these “mentors” would be surprised to learn that I considered them mentors, but like any good mentor, they were friends first. The word "mentor" never came up. None of those relationships have been programmed or regularly scheduled, but more impromptu and on an as-needed basis.

For Christian women (and men) in the workplace, the church community is an often overlooked gold mine of professional mentors. Sitting next to us in church pews Sunday after Sunday are scores of incredible experienced senior business people whose expertise goes untapped because they don't happen to have ministry careers and who, I guarantee, would be both interested and willing to engage a conversation about work. Many would find such a conversation refreshing. Better still, they can talk about the issues from a Christian perspective.

It seems to me that part of what it means to be an ezer-warrior is a willingness to engage wise mentors—not in a pathetic “please-help-me-I’m-drowning” way, but in a self confident “I’d-like-to-pick-your-brain” sort of way.

Sometimes I wonder if the so-called “lack of mentors” may merely reflect boxed-in thinking and the need for greater creativity. This chapter of Lean In expands the possibilities.

On the flip side, I share Sandberg's unease with open-ended "mentor me" requests, as they imply more commitment in time than I'm able to give (like her young friend's hour-a-week mentoring expectation). At the same time, nearly every week, I'm engaged in some form of mentoring through emails, phone calls, and meetings face-to-face and online. Almost always I learn something new myself from those encounters.

This chapter underscores the reality that no matter where we are on that jungle gym, we need interaction with others who can give us good advice, help us see things from a different angle, or simply stimulate our thinking. The challenge that remains is how we can access the resources before us to connect and learn from one another.


So What's Your Take?

Who are your mentors? Are you willing to engage a male mentor or to seek out a non-Christian mentor? Why or why not? What challenges have you faced in finding mentoring resources to help you grow? How can we in Christian circles do a better job of opening this kind of interaction in the church? How are you paying it forward by helping others?

Lean in with your comments!


Previous Lean In Posts ...

• Introduction: Women, Work and the Church
  
• Chapter 1: The Leadership Ambition Gap
• Chapter 2: Sit at the Table
• Chapter 3: Success and Likeability
• Chapter 4: It's a Jungle Gym, Not a Ladder

Other related posts …

• The Female Fear Factor
• So What Happens After You Sit at the Table